It has been awhile, but I think I am ready to share a little.. I almost want to apologize for it's rawness and it's lack of fluidity, but really I just want to get it out.
My teacher training was with the beautiful fae soul Meghan Currie on another planet dearly named Little Corn Island in Nicaragua. Jungle and sea. It was magical and indescribable. Or maybe I will describe it to you one day, but I really just feel like talking about the last day of my training and some of my life since then.
In training, you cry a lot. So many joyful moments, breakdowns and breakthroughs. Being on an island with nearly all women in such an emotional and healing space is wild. And I am a sensitive little yogi. But usually when I cry, I get it out and I'm smiling a few minutes later. So with all this crying at training, I never really let go. I think I just had so much I was trying to hold in, and likely terrified I just wouldn't be able to stop. Even more likely terrified of what people would think if I never stopped.
Well, during my training I was working through a lot - we all were. All on wonderfully unique journeys, trying to learn correct alignment and anatomy and sequencing - we were also collectively working through our insecurities, examining our patterns, and trying to rewrite our own operating systems to heal and become free and beautiful channels for so much love and light to pour through. So with all this spirit, body mind, heart work - I was also trying to decide if my husband and I should get a divorce. I was so achy, heartbroken and torn. I kept all of this in (one of my patterns) until close to the end, when I was no longer able to fight my deep longing for transparency and opened up a little to my dear roommates. And speaking a little of my fears, while making them very real, also made them a little less frightening too.
The last week of my training, we were doing our practicums - which meant 6 hr long classes a day and of course me trying to practice all of them. I would flow all day every day if my body allowed it, and getting to participate in the first classes of my fellow yogis was pure joy. However, I was starting to feel pretty exhausted. I completely wore myself down.
Well we all sat in a circle on the last full day and Meghan talked to us about writing down our dreams, visions, and goals in order to manifest them. In 3,6,9 weeks I will be... in 3,6,9 months I will be... in 3,6,9 years I will be... And I panicked. Suddenly terrified at the realization that I had no idea where I would be even in the next 3 days, all my dreams and ideas of my future had completely changed. My life was going to absolutely change. And I knew it. I knew my whole training, but I was then forced to look at it and accept it as inevitable. I went back to the room during the last class and completely let go. Sobbed loudly and bawled my eyes out. For about half an hr. I shook for everything that I had lost - the man I thought I would spend my life with, everything I thought we would be. For the little house and garden we talked about late into the night, and the little girl that would appear in our dreams. And it was the most heartbreaking, mind clearing, cleansing breakdown I have ever had. And that night, and for all the day traveling home I got very ill. It was a total purging. breakdown and renewal. cleansing. freeing. And again I knew. And started to know that I would be okay.
And when I came home a month after I had left for training, my husband had also had clarity. He knew too. We weren't going to stay trapped in our cage, but love each other enough to let each other go so we could fully live and fully love.
So my life has been a crazy whirlwind since then, but wonderful too. I started teaching two months after I got back, a set sequence class that helped me get cozy speaking in the room and guiding my students. Ohh and I've had dreamy kisses and beautiful lovers and even fallen in love. Mmmmmm. He's shown me so much magic and music and passion and life altering bliss. And I'm learning to love deeply without containment. And slowly, without fear.
And then this last week I started teaching my own sequences. I am still floating.
The last few months I've felt perfectly free knowing that I have absolutely no plan for the future and that it's okay. Part of my process.
But today, I started to feel ready to think about my dreams. my visions. Imagining where I want to go, the places I want to explore, where I might want to live. Just letting myself fantasize and daydream and actually write things down, which I've been afraid to do. Afraid I think, to want anything too much because I know now that nothing is certain. But our thoughts have power and I'm starting to believe again in my own dreams.
On the island one day I was walking behind one of my beautifully wild and courageous roommates and I sighed and said to her "I wish I was brave like you."
And she said without pause and with such simple conviction "You are brave." I could have kissed her, because I nearly believed her.
Every day since then I have said this to myself, You. Are. Brave.
And somewhere along the way, these last months, I began to believe it.